One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
