Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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