Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
