Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
