Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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