I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
