I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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