If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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