I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
