i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
