I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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His hands were made for my vagina.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
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Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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