I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.