went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want her autograph on my taint
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.