3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
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you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.