Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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