don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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