i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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