omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm sobbing to NWA
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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