my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
