Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
