i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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