tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
