So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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