I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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