I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
