I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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