The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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