So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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