Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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