I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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