3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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