Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
