He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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