I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
