i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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