i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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