i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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