she woke up with a sticky ear
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
