I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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