you would pick up someone in the library
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
