his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
