I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
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Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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