I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
