I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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