1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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