I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
