Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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