anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
