after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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