why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
