you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
