Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
