Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
