I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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