when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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