if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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