Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
