Umm I'm too high to move.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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