Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
